The fear that keeps me from writing

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to start writing online. But ten months in, I’ve published next to nothing.

Starting a writing habit has been a complete uphill battle for me. I struggle most when I start thinking about publishing my words on the internet, making it difficult for me to write.

You see, I want to publish something worth reading, and that is what’s holding me back. I keep thinking I need to write something incredible—something so good that people can’t help but want to read it, like it, and share it. It’s a byproduct of writing on social media. I can’t help but feel like all I’m doing is chasing likes whenever I publish something on there.

But the benefits of writing are more than enough. And when I start thinking about likes and going viral, I freeze up. I begin to feel that I’m not writing anything worth reading. And the spark of curiosity needed to write something incredible is overshadowed by the desire and anxiety to be great. Stupid.

I need to remind myself of why I’m doing this. It’s not for the likes, or shares, or even reads. I’m doing this because I want to become a better communicator. I’ve always struggled to share my ideas, to make my points. My words get in the way–especially when I’m excited. I admire those who always seem to sound eloquent, simple, thoughtful. One thing they all have in common is that they write.

When I started writing regularly, I realized my mind needed a lot of work. This is a feature, not a bug. Writing surfaces my bullshit thinking better than almost anything else I try. The solution to better thinking, however, isn’t just more thinking. What I needed was to expose myself not only to ideas but to new ways of expressing them. One of my favorite ways of doing this is by reading.

Books fill my mind with ingredients, and writing allows me to mix those ingredients into something good, something tasty, something I’m not embarrassed to share with my friends. But finding these recipes requires work, courage, consistency.

So, once again, I am committing myself to writing on my blog more regularly. There is a lack of social elements here that I like. No likes, no comments, no dopamine-induced desire to keep checking how well a post is doing. That’s what I need. My blog is a space for me to experiment with different ingredients in a way that doesn’t make me feel like shit for not getting any engagement. Will anyone read this? Who knows. That’s not the point. The point is for me to be consistent. I want to find the best recipes that I enjoy making–and that others enjoy consuming.

So this is where I’ll be. I’ll share about my posts on social media, of course, but I doubt anyone will care until I find the right ingredients. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve built up quite the appetite.